Jeremy:
I want to have a conversation with Jeff about thoughts about the hyperactive child or hyperactive toddler. Look, there’s so many causes and reasons for this and so we’re not going to try to reduce or oversimplify the whole thing. I want to talk about one aspect of this though that I think is rarely properly talked about in our culture and get Jeff’s reaction a little bit. I’ve seen this, I’ve read this and I think that fathers can really have an impact on this… Obviously kids have various inclinations, some are really, really a handful. So one of the things that if you want to have a calm household, and I think that one of the things that certainly you should be striving for is to create a Beit Shalom, a house of peace.

One of things that can make that really difficult is if you find that you are losing ground to your toddlers. So I wanted to give you guys just dive into a little bit of a controversial topic and give you guys a little bit of a handle on one thought regarding the almost explosion of hyperactivity that we see. Part of it, guys, is kids are kids, boys are boys, whatever. There’s a lot to this topic. But in your household, it’s really important that you embrace the idea that you need to be a brick wall in some areas of the life of your children where they absolutely cannot move you and the only thing they have left is they have to find resources to “how do I control myself because I cannot move dad?”

I think one of the things that can really either create or inflame hyperactivity is when a child begins to really experience in a home that they are in control and that their impulses are really what lead the family and that they can manipulate their mom and manipulate their dad endlessly through their own impulses. I think that that creates a loop of hyperactivity because they are going from one impulse to another and they never slam into that brick wall. So you need to have certain areas of the household, certain places where you’re like, “Hey, this is where we’re going to be quiet.” You need to make it age appropriate, make it work for wherever, whatever your kids are. But whenever you decide what those bright lines are, and you need to draw those bright lines in your home, whether it’s like, “Hey, every single time I call you, you come,” whatever those things are that you are absolutely adamant about, there shouldn’t be a lot of them.

There should just be a couple of them. When you enforce them, you must be a brick wall. If you do that, it can be a bit of a battle with your kids, but if you do that, I think that what begins to happen is something extremely healthy, which is the child then is forced to sort of say, “Okay, I’ve tried every which way to move my dad. I cannot manipulate my dad in this area. He absolutely will not back down. So okay, I’ve got to figure out how do I stop myself?” So oftentimes for the first time a child will begin to discover inside themselves how to find that place or that ability to be self-controlled, right? To say no to their own impulses because they like, “I don’t want to keep slamming into this brick wall that is my dad.”

So this doesn’t solve every problem with a hyperactive child, but I have noticed many, many, many times this can help a lot. But it’s really difficult to both draw those bright lines and then to be the brick wall in those areas. It takes a lot of self-discipline as the dad, a lot of creativity sometimes around how to discipline the child and how to really make sure that you represent that brick wall so that they begin to fall back into their own resources of self-control. Man, that is such a gift to give to a kid, right?

Jeff:
Totally.

Jeremy:
Give them the gift of figuring out how do I stop myself, right? Our kids have to find that place within them. But yeah, that’s what we’re trying to help our kids do. But how do you think about that, Jeff?

Jeff:
Totally. Well, I think it’s totally true and I think guys, let’s just be honest, it’s a lot easier to teach your three-year-old self-control than it is your 16-year-old or your 25-year-old, right?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Jeff:
A lot of us, that’s just, I know I didn’t learn until a lot later and I think … So yeah, so you have to. It takes a lot of work though. It takes a lot of consistency and it takes that backstop. So guys, dads, be faithful, be consistent and continue to be that backstop in love and in gentleness. Because I’ve noticed with us, same thing, but we also get even a better response or they quit it quicker if I’m the hard backstop and in a gentle loving way, which that’s always the hardest combination is like I’m not budging, but I do love you.

Jeff:
I’m kind, I’m gentle, and you also can’t ramp up my emotion. If you can combine those two, which obviously is the main sanctification of a parent, it’s really, really powerful. So yeah, you have to be so firm and faithful and consistent, but on certain things too. Really it’s about what lines you make to, because there’s some things too that you can say like, “Hey, that’s fine and we’re going to let that be fine, but when we go outside that’s not fine.” Right?

Jeremy:
Right.

Jeff:
When we’re in the house, that is fine. There’s all these different things. So I would just say be really mindful of that. Ask yourself, do you really do that? You have to really self-assess. Can kids manipulate a little bit, push you around a little bit, whether it’s in front of guests or whether it’s when you’re tired or whether it’s in the morning or whether it’s when you’re in a rush? You have to ask yourself those questions because the kids pick up on that and are more sensitive to that than you think.

Another thing I would say too is go all the way with all the stuff that does take more work so that then when you do feel like you have to put your foot down, I feel like there’s more equity there and I’ve noticed that the ROI on it’s just simply better, right?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Jeff:
So what I mean by that is Kinsley is pretty hyperactive. I can’t blame her. I was as well as a kid. I was always told to be quiet, sit in the chair, don’t move, blah, blah, blah. Right? All those things my whole life and I’m still being told that, so it’s always funny that you basically get yourself in a kid and you’re like, “Oh man.”

Jeremy:
That’s right.

Jeff:
But what we’ve realized though is for us it’s been really helpful is okay, make sure I’m fulfilling all the other spots and I’ll get a better ROI when I am firm, right?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Jeff:
Then that really does teach them the self-control. So what I mean by that is like call it the love tank if you want. Right?

I’ve heard this before. It’s really helpful if like, man, is their love tank full? Am I actually just appreciating them and loving them and playing with them and being with them or is this an attention grab? Because if it’s an attention grab, then me just bringing the hammer down, it’s not going to be that helpful, right? So hang out with them, play with them, love them. Another one is, and this was so true as me as a kid and it took us a couple of years to realize this with our kids, especially our oldest is super, what’s the word? I think tactile and kinetic? Meaning unless she’s squeezing something very hard or hitting something very hard or biting something really hard, then it’s like it has to get out of her body.

So we have to train her that can’t be a person, right? That can’t be your brother. Right? That needs to be like the baseball bat in the backyard. That needs to be the scooter. That needs to be a pillow, whatever. We’ve noticed that when we give those opportunities, then it never happens with another person. So there’s all these things of just like make sure those ducks are in a row.

Jeremy:
That’s good.

Jeff:
You’ll get a better ROI on the firmness and then I think, yeah, just man, the backstop is so huge. Guys, that’s a Fruit of the Spirit. So we go over, that’s one of those liturgy things we’ve talked about before. We recite the Fruits of the Spirit with our kids of like, these are signs of the Spirit. The cool part is you can ask Him for help. You can say, “Spirit help me. I need self-control.” So just beating that drum very hard I think is really important. But any other thing you would add to that, Jeremy?

Jeremy:
Yeah. Oftentimes it’s important to obviously get on the same page with your wife. So if you guys often kind of struggle with where those lines should be and you really need to create some brick walls and you’re just noticing that the kids are getting out of control and that they’re not learning how to control themselves and it’s just time for them to find that spot within them and the only way they’re going to do that as a slam into a dad, you’ve got to sit down and talk to your wife about this and say, “Hey.”

Jeff:
Yeah, it’s got to be a unified front.

Jeremy:
Yeah. “Here are three areas that I’m going to absolutely hold the line in. I will not budge ever on these three things. Again, it’s not because there’s never an exception. It’s because I need the kids to have that level of consistency because I want to give them the gift of finding out how to control themselves.

So we’re going to use these three areas. So there’s going to be things that I’m going to absolutely insist that they do this at the dinner table or they don’t do this. So they come every time I call them or they stop when I say stop or different. Whatever those are, maybe some habit that the kids are getting into. So I’m going to be a brick wall on this. I need your support,” right? “Here are the things that I’m going to, these are the tools that I’m going to get to use, that I’m going to choose to use to really make sure that the child pays attention to my training in this area and be a unified front 100% because man, the worst thing that happens is you become the brick wall and then your wife tries to break it down.

Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. That’s the worst.

Jeremy:
Because what’s the kid learning at that point? A very complicated and not a good lesson. So yeah, so be a united front, but definitely pick a few areas and again, give the gift to your child of learning how to find those internal resources where they can begin to be self-controlled. Like Jeff said, that is a Fruit of the Spirit. It’s phrased that way for a reason. It’s not dad-controlled. That’s not what you’re trying to create. You’re creating the dad’s being the brick wall so that the child learns self-control. The only way a child’s going to ever choose to learn self-control is if they run into a brick wall. So it’s important that you be that backstop and you find those areas and you give that gift to your kids.