Jeff:
How to stop your toddler from whining. I don’t know if you’re like me, but it’s my absolute favorite thing of being a parent is hearing just that decibel level of screeching coming from a toddler’s mouth. Not like the tantrum, but just that, oh, or whining, or when you say no to something. That whole level, which is almost worse than the tantrums, in my opinion. There’s something about the decibel or the frequency that is worse.

Jeremy:
Yes.

Jeff:
But Jeremy, how do we do this? How do we lean into this? And I think also, why is it important? Because I know this is something we concentrate on and try to work on, primarily because I think how you respond to authority is just as important as the behavior. And I think God shows that in the scriptures. That he doesn’t want you walking away, grumbling or complaining. He wants you walking away knowing that he just did something or gave you a command for your joy, and for your blessing, and your response shows if you believe that or not. But what would you say?

Jeremy:
Yeah, this is tough, you guys. And this drove me crazy too. This was very difficult for me to handle as a dad. Of course, it’s a toddler’s job sort of innately to torture you until you give them what they want. It’s your job as a dad to stand up and say, “No, you’re going to need to learn how to trust me. And to willingly and cheerfully, or at least willingly submit to my authority, and your mother’s authority.” So the first thing you guys is, you have to understand it’s normal and it’s going to take training. So this was actually a question that Chris asked us in the Facebook group, how do you guys deal with a toddler who’s whining a lot? And what I would say is this is a great catalyst for a dad to become an intentional trainer of his children.

Jeff:
Yes.

Jeremy:
And so for each of our kids, we had to train them out of this terrible habit. And it’s going to take some intentionality. Now, Jeff and I spend a couple hours talking about this in The Skill of Fatherhood, but I want to give you guys a little bit of a, just sort of on this topic, what are the basic elements of training your kids when they’re whining? So the first thing you guys, is that you have to actually have a time set aside where you train them, what you want them to do. We call this the demonstrate phase. And so you basically would say, “Look, Johnny, come and ask me if you can have ice cream.” Oh, okay, daddy, can I have ice cream? No. Now this is what I want you to… And then you show them what they normally do. Ah, I want…

Jeff:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
So, you train them like this. I want you to say, “Okay, dad.” And then you decide what you want exactly how you want their response to be. But you need to show them what you want them to do. Then the next… Now they know, that doesn’t mean they’re going to magically do it. Of course, they’re going to whine still. And so what you need to have, and this is a really important and clear place where you have to have a correction strategy for your children. One of the things we talk about The Skill of Fatherhood is there’s three tools you have to have to always train somebody. We have these three tools in every area of our life with our jobs, rewards, corrections, and disciplines. And most dads have only a discipline. Some that are really intentional will add a reward to that.

Jeremy:
But virtually, very few dads really have a thoughtful correction mechanism. And so we use the marble system. And Jeff, their family uses a sticker system. But basically what this is, is you need to have something where you can, as soon as your child whines, you’re like, “Okay, take a marble out of your bowl.” And as soon as they say, “Okay, dad.” Put a marble in your bowl. So this is a correction mechanism. It’s just a small thing that allows you to give them some feedback. And so they actually feel the result of not obeying, or not going along with the training.

So the marble system, you guys is basic, it’s super simple. You can use stickers like the Bethke’s do, but basically you have to have some kind of currency where they’re getting one of these things for doing something right. And you can take one away when they need to be corrected. And having something like that, and then at ten, maybe you go out for ice cream. And so anytime you start a new system, you need them to get to sort of that reward spot as fast as possible so they can enjoy it. So you have to have a system like that to train a toddler, oftentimes in these really difficult areas. But Jeff, any other thoughts about that one?

Jeff:
Yeah, I just would reiterate, and you’ve heard us talk about this before. If you guys listen a lot that, almost every family has rewards. Almost every family has discipline, not a ton of families have training. Which is the actual, only proactive one. A a reward is reactive, and discipline is reactive, but training, actively taking time to mold and shape the behavior you want, not just for yourself, but for your family culture, and for your team and to take them in the direction you want, that pushes their heart in the right direction. And so I think, yeah, with obedience and with attitudes, so this is basically an attitude one. I think it’s really, really important or understand the importance of it. Understand that grumbling and complaining actually is kind of the first seed of a corrosive heart, that it gets deeper, and it goes farther, and it goes darker.

But not that you can force a joyful heart, but I do think in the same way that the one can be the way into a darker path, I think thankfulness and a good attitude can actually kind of put your heart on a farther trajectory as well. And kind of create this more of a rich heart of thankfulness and gratitude, which is what God says is one of his wills for our life.

And so, yeah, just see the importance of this and come up with that thing, whether it’s marbles, whether it’s stickers, whatever it is and do the exercises. And also if you’re listening, let us know how it goes. We love hearing when you guys apply some of this stuff, work on some of this stuff, bring it into the Five Minute Fatherhood Facebook group, where we have about a thousand other dads and we’ll see you there.