Jeff:
Today’s question is from the Facebook group, which you should be in there if you’re not. Link in the description on YouTube and on audio or you can just search Five Minute Fatherhood. The question is, should you try to involve adult siblings in your family mission? I’m guessing that’s coming from someone who’s adult, married, has children, and then saying they’re horizontal relationships with their siblings, how do you integrate that? Basically the kids’ his aunts and uncles is what I’m hearing. Is that what you’re hearing too, Jeremy, and what would you say?

Jeremy:
Yeah, we’ve talked about how you have to be very careful when you go upstream or horizontal generationally not to be too idealistic. And oftentimes that’s where relationships get injured. You want to be very invitational but keep your expectations really low, but be intentional. But don’t be too idealistic. You can be a little more idealistic going downstream as you are building a culture with your children and with your grandchildren. But when you’re talking about siblings, I think a culture of invitation is probably the best thing to try to attempt first. And I really have seen people try to different things. And this person who’s asking the question is the first thing a lot of times people try is they actually try to convince siblings to move. They actually try to talk about what all the great things we’ll do together, all the mission stuff.

We’ll build a multi generational families, brothers and sisters, and it’ll be awesome. And all this idealism, all these high expectations and then of course people start selling houses and moving, if you’re successful. And there’s a lot of pressure that happens because now you’re really on the hook to deliver all of these wonderful visions.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
And just I can tell you guys that look, there’s not a lot in our culture that is going to help you if you try this route. And so sometimes you’re probably going to miss those expectations and that can be really hard. Another way to do this is when your siblings are coming into town or when you’re going to visit them, but particularly when they’re coming to you, to your house and coming into your family culture, really expose them to what your family is doing and be invitational but don’t try to put a lot of pressure on them.

And in our case and in a lot of our friend’s, their siblings have moved, but they’ve moved really when they saw something that they were going after-

Jeremy:
That they wanted their families to be a part of. And they were taking responsibility for integrating into this. There’s not an assumption that it’s going to be easy or that it’s all your job to if I come to be a part of your mission, will you take care of my family and give us a purpose or a vision? Those are subtle things that can be accidentally communicated when you’re actually trying to persuade siblings to move. I’ve just seen that work better that if you are invitational and really intentional when they’re visiting and you involve them in things, they might catch a vision to move. And if they do that’s a way better situation than if they are begrudgingly finally being convinced by you over a long period of time. But any thoughts on that, Jeff?

Jeff:
Yeah, I wouldn’t add much besides just one thing. I think everything you said is totally true and that’s the core of it. One little side thing I would say too is take your siblings and take anyone who you want to integrate into your family as they are. I think no one wants to be … I think like you said with your kids, I think you can call out an ideal and a vision of like, Hey, all of us are going this direction and we’re going to work hard to get there. We’re going to pursue there. But I think just integrating your siblings in a way that’s basically it’s just it’s who they are and you already love them as they are and who they are and bringing them to dinner, telling them to tell stories, not trying to basically get them to some level before you feel like, okay, now you can come into this thing.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but I’ve seen that happen a couple times with some other families that I am thinking of, of like just yeah, because then that communicates honor. And when that communicates honor, then it starts to have that orbiting pole and then that starts to have them actually saying, “Oh, I want more of this” or “Oh”. I think all of us, when we feel honored by something like that, then we actually want to rise to the occasion and we all start doing different things then and going in different directions.

Jeff:
I would just say that. making sure you’re inviting people in that way.

Jeremy:
Yeah, I love that when you said orbiting and maybe I know that one of the things that the best things you can create is gravity, right?

Jeff:
Yes.

Jeremy:
You want your home and your own family to have strong gravity that people are attracted to as opposed to going out and grabbing people and bringing them in.

Jeff:
No.

Jeremy:
Make your family culture one that people are gravitating towards. That’s probably the best way to begin to attract other family members closer to that hub.