So Your Wife is Pregnant with Your First Child, Now What?

So I got a question here from Caleb. By the way, Caleb and I met randomly in South Carolina, Myrtle Beach. It was awesome to meet him and his wife and his buddy and his wife. It was such a cool evening.

So Caleb is in our group now and he’s asking, “So your wife is pregnant with your first child. Now what?” At the time, when we were talking, both couples, didn’t have kids. Now they’re both pregnant. So I’m super pumped for you guys and excited for what this means for you guys and your family team. Jeff and I wanted to go give you guys a bunch of examples. So Caleb, here’s some things that we would say to think about during that season of pregnancy.

The first thing is please affirm her looks as her body changes. One of the things that’s so hard, especially during their first pregnancy for women, is that their body takes a huge hit for the pregnancy and that looks different for every woman but one of the things that is so important about in a marriage is that they just feel secure in that covenant. This is one of the reasons why the covenant bond before getting pregnant and having children is so critical. I’ve committed to you for life and so as you take this huge hit for our family, whatever that means, however hard, this is for you, I’m going to constantly affirm you through these physical changes and these physical challenges and you need to constantly be encouraging her.

I’ve I’ve seen and heard about some guys who actually start to sort of take subtle digs at their wife during this time of pregnancy and man, that just that’s really upsetting because she’s doing most of the work and so you need encouraging her constantly. So I would say affirming her, especially physically, emotionally is really important during the pregnancy.

Another one would be just go to appointments with her or do all, as much as you can, to kind of feel like you’re a team doing all the things that come with pregnancy because there is a lot logistically, from the paperwork to the appointments, to the things you need to be doing at home to all that stuff. So I would say like integrate yourself into that stuff as much as possible. Appointments is a really easy one, especially if you don’t have any kids yet and it’s the first one, so that you’re not having to watch other kids or something like that. But go to the appointments and it’s actually really fun and talk about it, kind of dream on the way there, dream on the way back. Ask questions. Ask her how she’s feeling. I think that’s a really, really important to just feel like you’re doing it together.

I would say related to that is educate yourself. Some guys are like, this is not my thing. I don’t know what this is like, so I don’t really need to think about what is happening during these different stages of development for your child.

But I would say that that communicates to your wife, that we’re not really a team and this is something that is not as important to me. So if she hears that you’re really paying attention to these changes, how it’s working, you’re getting educated on all the different vocabulary, I know that for some guys that’s really not exciting but I would say that Googling some of these things, reading up on these things, is really valuable.

So demonstrate that you’re a team by investing in your own education in this area.

Another one, and this one’s really important for me that I try really hard to do because I’m not that good at it, is be sensitive and sympathetic to the mood swings, diet issues, body image, morning sickness, et cetera, all those different types of things.

What I mean by that is me in my own sin, I’m not really good with anyone who’s like emotionally volatile, maybe if you could say. I’m just like, I think everyone should just feel the same all the time and be okay and pregnancy creates the opposite of that, like actually hormonally and it makes biologically, it’s like you can’t buck away from that. So I’ve had to learn to just kind of actually embrace that; to embrace that as part of the process. It sanctifies me, it teaches me, it allows me to learn that the ability of being more compassionate, more loving towards Alyssa, towards my wife and so I would say that’s a really important one. It’s just be really sensitive and sympathetic and actually I think I’ve done better at it now that we’ve grown into more and more kids because I see it now it’s more of like, “Oh, this is actually a vehicle to bring us closer together and to sanctify me,” rather than it feeling bewildering, if that makes sense.

So when you’re aware of it and you’re prepared for it, then you can kind of totally attack it in a different way.

The last one guys I would say is pray over that child. I think that says a lot about where your heart is and as that child begins to develop and you start to even, you see the ultrasound, you can start to see them moving around in your wife’s belly, put your hand on that child and really pray for the Lord to be moving.

I think that’s so encouraging to our wives that we are trying to bond and connect with that child even in utero and I think that for some guys, a lot of times it’s important to pay attention to what’s going on in your heart as the child is developing because what’s happening to you is you’re growing in your fatherhood, as that pregnancy develops. This is taking over more and more of your life. Your responsibilities are increasing and there can be a subtle rejection of that identity that a lot of guys are subtly, almost subconsciously, feeling while their wife is growing in pregnancy, getting more and more vulnerable and is investing more and more of her life and her identity and becoming a mother.

So do not let that happen, you guys. Really embrace the whole process and I think praying over your child and really embracing the fact that you’re becoming a father and that this is your baby and that you are asking for the blessing of the Lord on this child really demonstrates and will help your heart and your wife’s heart connect with what these changes mean to your family team.

So, pray over the child and let your heart grow in affection towards the infant as he or she is developing.

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